Void
by rainangel1984
Summary: Kathryn is dealing with the past events in her life. A series of events and people cause the walls of fifteen years to come crashing down.


Void

by rainangel1984

Disclaimer: I don't own paramount or voyager, blah-blah-blah; we've all read it before. Now on with the story.

Void. It's one small word that has so many meanings. All them essentially mean the same thing in the end; nothing, loneliness, emptiness- gone. That was my life for fifteen years; a gap in time where my body moved to the responsibility of duty, but my mind recalled very little. The sad part about that is those memories that I did recall were only tragic. So many times I thought about ending my life, but I kept going on with the thought something or someone was calling me to take that next step. So I lived on after loss.

My dad had a saying, "Goldenbird, no matter how big the galaxy is, home will always be where your heart is," but what is exactly is home? I keep asking myself this simple question each day, and like each day I still don't have an answer. All that I know is that I'm on a ship with a crew of 150 people and we're still 50,000 light years from a place that they call home, Earth. The one person that could possibly answer my question; can't. It's not that I don't want that person to answer my question, because by all means I do want them to answer, it's just that they can't. This reason may seem stupid to some people, but for me the reason is the way that I was raised. I guess I need to explain a little about me first so you can understand where I'm coming from.

I was raised in a loving home, my father was starfleet admiral and my mother is a teacher. I have a younger sister, who thankfully didn't follow my path in life. She now has a family of her own that I will most likely never get to meet. As for me, I knew my path in life from the age of four. I wanted to be just like my dad, who at that time was a captain; and that's precisely what I did. At the tender age of seventeen, I entered the academy and began following the footsteps of my father. From the first day I aimed for one goal, to become an admiral. I threw myself into my work and saw little of the outside world, if it didn't have anything to do with the 'fleet, I didn't know about it. I lost my father three years after I joined starfleet. I just turned twenty and my world came crashing down, I no longer had the will to live. It was the responsibility that kept me going and nine years later I became one of the youngest captains in 'fleet history.

One year later I was thrown 70,000 lightyears into a part of space that was only known to my people by a name, the Delta quadrant. I was thirty, and for once in my life I was at a loss for words. There were 150 people leaning on me to get them through this and I didn't have anyone to lean on myself. One thing kept me going; that was getting them home. Though the road to home was not an easy one, but of course life never is...

It was dark; no stars, just empty space. The lights were off in my quarters, and I hadn't ventured out of them in two weeks. I had no reason to because, for once in my life everything was running smoothly; or so I thought. '_chime'. _ Great someone wanted to see me. "Come in."

I looked up from my spot on the sofa to see my first officer walking towards me with a padd in his hand. "Here are the reports for the day, Captain." He stopped two paces in front of me and held it out. I took from him and glanced at it.

"Thank-you, Commander," I said quietly as I set it down beside me. "Is there anything else you would like to talk about?"

"Yes, there is. Permission to speak freely, Captain"

I had a feeling he wouldn't leave if I didn't hear him out. "Go ahead, Chakotay."

"Let just me say this straight out, the crew's worried about you Kathryn."

I pull my legs closer to my chest and put my forehead on my knees. That last comment was what it took for the wall that I had built for the last fifteen years to come crashing down. Tears came to my eyes and my body shook. "Chakotay, I don't know what to do," I mumbled out to his ears.

He flew to my side and took me in his arms as I cried out my grief into his arms. "Kathryn, I'm here for you. Let me help you." He rocked me back and forth in his arms as he whispered sweet, calming word to me. I buried my face into his chest and proceeded to soak his uniform.

He held me for what seemed like a eternity and eventually the crying ceased. "Kathryn, please tell me what happened?" he asked with soft words.

His question was to remain unanswered for the night, because I had fallen asleep in his comforting arms. He tried to but me in bed, but I wouldn't let go. There was only one solution that he could think of. He kicked off his shoes and curled up next to me.

_all right folks, let me explain my self to you. This is a story about loss and finding one's self after loss. It all started at work when I was instructed to _

_write "_void_" in red ink on every sheet of an entry sheet pad (the counts up to 50 pads), all because they didn't fit in with some policy. My company decided to not waste any more trees and reuse them for other needs, hence the red ink. I know that this is short, but I will be updating hopefully soon. ( I have a date with the mountains this weekend for a day of fishing and writing.) I would like to go further in depth with the J/C relationship, and also add a long lost friend of Kathryn's. But the only way I can do that is for you to press the little button marked "review." I just want to know if I should continue with this story. Thank-you!!! Danielle- a.k.a rainangel1984_


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